The Blame Game

I watched a Tony Robbins video over the course of the week, it took me awhile to watch it. Not only was it long, but I would watch parts of it over and over again if it spoke to me.  One part, in particular, went straight to my heart. It was about blame.
Tony spoke to a young girl who was very angry at her Father because she loved him so much, yet he was a drug addict and difficult to love and hurt her very much over the course of many years. I think a lot of people have someone in their life that they love despite the hurt they receive in return.

I’ve had this.

It’s an interesting thing to think about, blame.

People place blame on parents for how they live life as adults. People blame problems in relationships on past relationships. My husband cheated, so every man cheats, therefore I trust no one, or I lie, or I cheat. Or maybe I’m just unhappy with my relationship with them because of what they did. It’s their fault. They are to blame.
My parents abused me, so I do drugs, or I lie, or I cheat. Often the hurt is justified blame. No action just the hurt itself.

That’s very simplified, I realize, but hopefully you get my meaning. It’s blame.

Tony pointed out, that while you are allowed to blame the bad on what happened to you, because it did suck, and it did happen. You also have to blame the good on the person as well.  He said if you’re going to place blame on the person for all the bad shit, you better blame them for all the good shit too. Blame eloquently. Because if the bad didn’t happen to you, you wouldn’t be where you are today. You wouldn’t have grown. You wouldn’t be who you are.
That hit me. I watched that part like 8 times I think.

The biggest trauma to me in my life was my divorce. I adored my husband and my family and my life. It was devastating, traumatizing, to everyone. It ripped my family apart. I remember feeling incredible sadness the day I realized how unhappy he had been in the marriage. I had no clue. He never told me. Until the end. Or maybe he had tried, and I wasn’t listening. That’s always a possibility.  Which actually makes me feel even worse at times.

The actions taken to tear apart the marriage were beyond hurtful, like a wound that took years to heal. It bled, scabbed, tore open more than several times, became a nasty scar. I can actually feel the scar, still in my heart. I don’t think it will ever leave me. Its permanent.

After a few years of blaming him, and her, for the demise of my marriage I started looking at myself. What could I have done differently. Were there things I could have changed?  What part had I done to make him so unhappy to begin with? If I had known better, known more, what actions would I have taken? I tried to fight for the marriage, but you can’t fight alone. I looked backwards a lot.

So yes, I blame myself as well. There are a million things I wish I could have done differently. But you can’t fix something you don’t know is broken.  By the time I found out, the damage was done. My actions were a reaction to what was happening, as were his I’m sure. He blamed me. I blamed her. Her more than him. After a few years, him more than her. Then myself more than him. I blamed myself more than anyone. I beat myself with it. I punished myself believing this is what I deserved. Blame, it went round and round. More than enough for everyone involved.

After watching the video, I sat and thought for a couple hours.  What would have happened if we were still together?  How would my life be? I had to really sit and think. I don’t know him anymore. I barely recognize him. We haven’t spoken in years and this makes me incredibly sad. He’s the father of my children. I spent half my life with this man. He was my best friend. I love him still. He made me laugh more than anyone, he’s smart, handsome, gifted. I miss him daily. Lately I’ve been thinking more of all the things I love about him, less about the hurt he caused. It helps keep the hurt away to remember the good and try to release the bad.

Blame them for the good? Blame myself, and him for the good?  If I were to do this, it would be a heartfelt blessed thank you. I blame us for my education!  I blame us for massage! I blame us for my traveling! I blame us for my service to others! I blame us for my being humbled! I blame us for my needing less and spending less!  I blame us for my working less and living more!  I blame us for the wonderful people I’ve met and loved!

My life is not what I wanted it to be.  I am not a wife. I don’t live where I used to live. I don’t have the life I had. But I also don’t think the way I used to think. I’m not the person I once was. My days now are filled with studying massage modalities, oncology information, hospice and hospital information, medical and medicine information.  It’s finding out volunteer information. It’s making phone calls and getting rides for elderly clients. It’s working 2 and 3 jobs. It’s taking my son to breakfast and being grateful I still have a relationship with both of them. My life is a quiet life of finding ways to serve and touch.

So I’m grateful and I blame myself, and I blame him.  I hope someday he makes a good list and blames me. Progress.

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