I’ve been rushing it seems.
Rushing thru massage school
Rushing thru boards
Rushing thru work
Rushing thru days
Rushing thru the first year of him gone
Rushing thru the seasons
Rushing to find why I am still here
Why am I still here?
How is it we can hurt so badly yet still be here? Our hearts don’t actually explode in our chests? We continue to breathe, our hearts continue to beat. We wake up, often in pain, and continue our day. Our life moves forward. The sun comes up and goes right back down, even when we hurt.
Now that hurt can be like an ocean wave. The first wave knocks you down so hard you lose all sense of control. Breath is knocked right out of you. The struggle to survive is well known. The next wave may not be as bad, and you may have awhile in between waves, but be sure they will come back and when you least expect it you will get hit with one so hard, you will lose your footing for awhile.
Maybe you rush to regain your footing like I do. Feeling if you rush, you will survive the next wave, and the next, and the next.
Or maybe you allow that wave to carry you for awhile. That’s ok too.
I’m learning to slow down. Now when a wave comes, I allow it to carry me for awhile. I float on it, usually around 3:24 am. Me and my wave, we float for awhile. I allow it in. I embrace it. I cry anyway, why rush the tears, now I slow them down and feel the wet run into my ears. I listen to my heartbeat. I hear the wave in my eardrum. It sounds far away lately. I think that’s a good thing.
These days, coming to the end of year 2. I wake up slowly. I work less. I laugh more. I play with my dogs more. I listen more, talk less. I pay attention to the people around me, to really see what they need, what they are going thru. I’m slowing down. Last year I couldn’t see the color of the leaves thru my hurt. This year the yellow is so beautiful, so bright so gorgeous. I am learning to stop the rushing. I am learning to slow down. To feel again, to breathe deeply the air, to touch the water and when the waves come, as I know they will, I also know they will recede.